Belittling One's Wife: A Cultural Difference
Jodi over at the Asia Pages had a fascinating post about Gyongsang men belittling their wives (Gyongsang is the most conservative region of the country):
While having a class with my elementary teachers yesterday, our newly married, token male was asked by the curious ladies if his twenty-something wife was beautiful. "No," he firmly answered. They then teased him by saying "she's beautiful!"--and he answered forcefully each time, "No, she isn't." He also said he was comfortable now that she was on vacation. I was shocked. And the most shocking thing about it was that the ladies were going completely goo-goo over him. After some hesitancy, I told the class I found this shocking, and said that, ordinarily, a newly-married man would never say his young wife wasn't anything other than beautiful. The man, and several ladies promptly told me that it was cultural custom not to praise one's wife in public like that, because other people would think the man was a self-aggrandizing sort. Frankly, that's one custom I don't care for. It's based on a misogynistic view of women that views them as the property of a man. I was glad when a few of the women said that this custom was held to more particularly by older folks. Anyway, after I said my piece, the man allowed that his wife was a "little" beautiful. This was said with a smile, and I gathered that he thought she was pretty good looking; Korean men in his age bracket love to tease.
"Every day, I try to do my best to help out everyone I can--everyone except my wife. I don't care what happens to her."This struck me at the time, and I remember thinking what strange creatures those Gyongsang men were.
I'm finally figuring out how one is supposed to respond to such comments. You don't laugh (like I did with the flower statement) and you don't say "Oh, don't say that, that's not true." Instead you continue to pour praise on the man to help him save face. I watch the other women do this all the time and I'm finally figuring it out. Instead of reacting the way I have been, the women down here will say: "Oh I think your wife is a very lucky woman to have such a helpful husband like you. Really, I think you are a wonderful man and she doesn't realize how fortunate she is."
And the more he belittles her, the more praise he seems to get.
(At least this is what seems to happen....
While having a class with my elementary teachers yesterday, our newly married, token male was asked by the curious ladies if his twenty-something wife was beautiful. "No," he firmly answered. They then teased him by saying "she's beautiful!"--and he answered forcefully each time, "No, she isn't." He also said he was comfortable now that she was on vacation. I was shocked. And the most shocking thing about it was that the ladies were going completely goo-goo over him. After some hesitancy, I told the class I found this shocking, and said that, ordinarily, a newly-married man would never say his young wife wasn't anything other than beautiful. The man, and several ladies promptly told me that it was cultural custom not to praise one's wife in public like that, because other people would think the man was a self-aggrandizing sort. Frankly, that's one custom I don't care for. It's based on a misogynistic view of women that views them as the property of a man. I was glad when a few of the women said that this custom was held to more particularly by older folks. Anyway, after I said my piece, the man allowed that his wife was a "little" beautiful. This was said with a smile, and I gathered that he thought she was pretty good looking; Korean men in his age bracket love to tease.
3 Comments:
Well, as Korean, I think we'been trying to be humble as possible and sometimes those attitudes are viewed as condescending. That's why Korean men barely say their wives are beautiful.
Koreans like to say "No thanks" or "That's alright", but if you insist persistently they'll reluctantly accept it. The truth is they've wanted it in their minds. We koreans do that just because it is considered to be polite.
Just a penny for your post and please excuse my English.
- Hillbilly Joe -
I think it is hard for people to rave about their wives or their houses or anything in Korea. It is all about not wanting to boast about what you have. I don't think there is any particular sexist connotation there, it just would be seen as big-headedness to say how well you did by marrying a hot woman...
Thank you for your comments, "Hillbilly Joe" and "Sannakji." Your comments are interesting and helpful, although the quotations from Jodi's post that I cited certainly would qualify as demeaning, and possibly as mysogynistic.
That being said, I don't think there's anything wrong with saying that one's spouse is "hot" or beautiful. If our parents weren't attracted to each other, we wouldn't be here.
:-)
I think it's one thing to be modest about oneself--it's another to be "modest" about one's wife or children, where, at least in Western notions, pride (in the good sense), would be in order. I think this pride is much more psychologically healthy than playing down one's family's talents or looks to such an extent. That being said, I don't want people to think I'm ranting on Koreans, whom I have come to respect for their emotional honesty and (individual) humility.
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